“My husband used my condition against me and would push me over” – Getting out of my abusive relationship

Trigger warning: Abuse

When we had our beautiful son, I never expected my husband would ever hurt me. But what started as financial abusive, soon turned physical. Before I knew it, he started pushing me over to make me fall. It took me six years and a fractured kneecap to be able to get out of this marriage.

My son and I now have a great life together. I own our home, work for the council and have good friends I’ve made at the swimming pool I regularly go to.  I’m proof that it’s possible to lead the life you deserve and find happiness.

I didn’t see any signs

I’m originally from Poland and moved to the UK in 2001 when I was 23. That’s when I met my ex-husband. He was from Turkey and very handsome. We moved in together after a while, and it was only then I found out he was living in the country illegally. I was in love and thought he loved me, so it felt natural to get married. We bought a house together in 2007 and had our son in 2009.

He was very proud he had a son, but whenever I asked him to go out with us, he would make an excuse not to come. This was particularly hard as simple things like going to the park or play groups with my son were very difficult on my own. I had to plan everything in detail to work out how I was going to carry him and get there.

The abuse progressed from financial to physical

I took a career break when my son was born and didn’t know anything about disability benefits at the time, so I had to ask my husband for money every time I needed to go somewhere. This was when the financial abuse started, and shortly after that he began getting physically aggressive.

Sometimes he would throw things across the room and they’d smash against the wall. Other times he would squeeze my face so tight that he made the inside of my cheeks bleed. I’ll never forget when he smashed an apple on my head and it broke into a thousand pieces. I remember watching the juice drip down the walls as I tried to steady myself.

The worst thing he would do was push me over so I’d fall. My condition means I’m able to walk around the house, but my balance isn’t very good and I can fall over easily. He would push me hard if we were having an argument.

He was scared what would happen if the doctors knew the truth, so he told me if anyone asks he will say that I fell over because of my condition.

Fighting for my freedom

My biggest regret is waiting so long to leave this marriage. But my financial worries about paying the mortgage, bills, and how I would look after myself and my son made it feel impossible.

Eventually, I confided in a friend who convinced me that enough was enough. Another friend’s mum was a family lawyer who helped me understand my rights and what I was entitled to. By now I had been working part time for several years. I explained my situation to my employer as I needed to work full time to be able to support us both. I also contacted a women’s refuge charity who gave me direction.

I filed for divorce in 2017 and he was really surprised. He kept every penny he owned but left the house to me and never came back.

Abuse stays with you forever

The abuse still affects me. A trauma like that will never leave you. I met someone six years ago who I was in a relationship with, but when he wanted to move in together, I couldn’t do it.

He’s an amazing man and we’re great friends now. He’s not bothered by my disability and says he’s proud to do things like push me in my wheelchair when we’re out.

My abuser was ashamed to be seen with me in public and would walk ahead of me, so I guess that has stayed with me.

I don’t want to live with a man and the idea of him seeing me on my bad days when I’m weak at home and can only walk by holding onto the walls or worksurfaces, is too hard. Maybe one day I will regret my decision, but at this moment in life, it doesn’t feel right for me.

My son is the best thing to come out of my marriage

My son and I are a great team. He registered as a young carer a few years ago and is now 14. He helps me with things like handing the washing out, doing shopping and carrying bags. I think having a mum with a disability has made him a well-rounded young man. Others tell me how respectful and understanding he is of everyone’s differences.

He has a real passion for music and plays three instruments. We spend a lot of weekends driving to concerts he’s playing at, which is great mother and son time. We’re very close and he’s the best thing to have come out of my marriage. He makes me proud every day and doesn’t even realise it.

If anyone is going through a similar situation, I hope my story has made you see that you are strong enough to get out, just like I was.